CREATING AWARENESS ABOUT SEXUALITY AND ASSOCIATED RISK FACTORS IN ADOLESCENTS – WHAT PARENTS CAN DO by R.Manoj Marital Counselor and Psycho Sexual Therapist Chennai

There has always been a lack of clarity on what role the parents have in providing appropriate knowledge about sex and sexuality. But with inadequate measures being taken to provide systematic sex education in schools and opposition from various quarters for the same, the onus has continued to rest with the parents to provide authentic knowledge. With increasing numbers of sexual harassment being reported in the media and the personal and social life providing more and more avenues, for free, unmonitored life style to teenagers, the only tool available to protect them from becoming innocent victims of hazards associated with adolescent sexual life is, providing adequate knowledge and create awareness about the dangers involved. Since the impact of any bloopers on this front by the children is going to have an all-round impact on the parents, its better that the parents take the responsibility of advocating preventive measures. Here are a few points on what the parents can do

1.    Initiate conversation pre adolescent children and adolescent children, because they would never ask anything about sexuality

2.    Spend time with them to understand their knowledge emotions, attitudes, behaviors, values, concerns, motivations, aspirations, Cultural deliberation, and apprehensions about the physical changes that happen to them.

3.    Provide them a supportive environment where in they can freely, share what  the peers confer  about sex and sexuality and be open to discuss, children’s  beliefs and values

4.    Discus with them how Sexuality is experienced and expressed in thoughts, fantasies, desires, beliefs, attitudes, values, behaviour, practices, roles and relationships

5.    Clarify any misconceptions and give clearer idea about the physical changes and related experiences being natural ones and make them understand these are just the process of they becoming adults

6.    Provide them with the knowledge of maintaining general hygiene and their genital hygiene

7.    Caution them about the wrong and unreliable sources of informations such as internet, prone magazines etc and the nature of damages that it can do to them. Guide them on the how to find accurate information from reliable sources

8.    Monitor them with relation to any communication that happens in odd hours and the time they try to send in total privacy

9.    Make them understand how they can become vulnerable in relationships when they involve in late night conversations, because the time being the most personal one for everybody,  the high possibilities of the conversation treading into the utmost private life of the individual; which has sexuality as a part of it.

10. Caution them on meeting even their trusted friends of opposite sex in a total privacy and make them aware of how it can make them physically vulnerable to sexual relationship, even if they don’t want it otherwise

11. Provide them information on how sexual relationship during adolescence can cause a near permanent damage to the physical, emotional, social and moral personality and unsafe sex can even lead to illnesses

12. Make them vigilant about how they can slip into emotional traps and become victims of sexual harassment, cyber bullying etc even before they realize it

13. If there is any suspicion of them involving in masturbatory practices, talk to them openly about it and guide them on how to keep check on the behavior and prevent it from becoming a habitual practice

14. Assist them in overcoming negative body image if any, whether its their physical looks, complexion or even sexual appeal

15. Make them understand the impact of peer pressure, how it can have an impact on their personal life from dressing, behaving in particular way, having a boy friend or girl friend just for the sake of it. Caution them how it can motive them to look for excitement and thrilling new experiences including sexual relationship

16. Help them to know the difference between love, sex and intimacy

17. Assist them in developing assertiveness, so that they don’t become vulnerable to peer pressures, emotional blackmailing etc  and feel strong enough to reject any unconformable advances strongly at the initial stage

18. Provide them insights to recognize situations that might turn risky or violent, and know how to avoid them and how to deal with them if they do arise

19. Update them with the informations about how and where to ask for help and support whenever they are at risk or whenever they feel threatened

20. Break the myth that any type of molestation or aggression by anybody is an insult to their self esteem or dangerous to their social image. Also make them feel confident that you will provide unconditional support to them and stand by them.

21. Encourage your child to appreciate values, strengths and abilities that are unique to him or her as an individual.

22. Allow them to take on responsibilities with regards themselves  and make decisions.

23. Help your child to accept negative comments, setbacks or disappointments.

24. Even if your child makes a mistake, reassure your child that it’s all right to make mistakes and to simply learn from the experience.

25. Help them in getting the assistance of professionals, when you sense any problems or sudden changes in the life style of the child or when tyou have difficulty in handling the queries of the child

WHY EDUCATION ABOUT SEX AND SEXUALITY SHOULD START FROM A VERY YOUNG AGE -by R.Manoj Marital Counselor and Psycho Sexual Therapist Chennai

There has been an increasing conflict among various sections of the society regarding sex education to children.  Even after prolonged discussions by academicians, sociologist, psychologists, politicians, law makers and people from various other walks of life, it seems that no conclusion has been arrived at. This has been happening in spite of the fact that, every day more and more cases of pedophilic aggression and rapes are being reported from all quarters, which still accepted as the tip of the iceberg by everyone. This does not include consensual sex with preadolescent and early adolescent children who involve in the act just for the thrill and pleasure without understanding the long term effects.

Most of the people who are against sex education in school seem to view sex and sexually as something associated with physical and functional aspects of sexual relationships. There are also others who feel that providing knowledge about sex may provide a gateway for experimenting sexual life at a young age. I don’t deny this risk factor. But these people can also never deny that without such informations such exploration and experimentation are still happening among adolescents.

What everyone should understand is sex and sexuality are not just related to physical and functional aspects of sexual life. There is emotional, interpersonal, relationship, social, moral and personality factors such as decision making, self confidence and self esteem associated with it. Any systematic sexual education should comprehensively cover all these factors in a progressive model at different grades. The sadness is that even our normal academic system has failed to address all these psychological factors which are essential for a wholistic development of a child.

For ages together we have tried to maintain the secrecy of sexual life from not just from children, but also from adolescents who physically mature. Even the informations shared are partial and shrouded with secrecy. Just like any partial information motivating us to know more, this approach has only lead to increasing the interest in children to know more about sex. Leave out the films that brand themselves as “adults only” even though there is very limited restrictions on young children watching such films, even the ones which are branded as “for all” or family movie also have a lot of content which shows physical contact among opposite genders as pleasurable and exciting. Children also witness such intimate contact in real life, in various social environments and sometimes even among their parents.  children also come across a lot of sexuality associated terms which are explicit such as “fuck”  in emotionally charged conversations, or words and terms with veiled informations, in lighter ones, for which the reactions from the listener  is so different  and explicit, that any child can smell that there is some shady information in it.  These stimuli without appropriate systematic scientific knowledge can only evoke interest to know more and experiment at the first available opportunity.

With more and more children getting access to internet and have started using social networking rampantly, sex and sexuality are no more a holy secret to be preserved. Now children as young as 6yrs are browsing internet for information to get additional informations related to academic activities. Even without any intentional search or interest, they can very easily stray in to any of the website which provide obscene stories, pictures  or prone video clips. Use of simple words like “hot”  “position” in search engines, can give a lot of leads into such websites.  These sites only provide information of the erotic pleasure associated with sexual life. Since sexual interest are instinctual, it is quiet natural that the children who have once strayed into such websites are motivated to go again and search for such websites.  With the parents finding very little time to monitor the activities of the child, provide adequate care, love, affection and emotional support, provide appropriate knowledge and clarifications, whenever the child has some doubts and apprehensions about what they have come across, the vulnerability of the children to become victims of cyber bullying and sexual assault increases in leaps and bounds. All a person with intentions of abusing a child has to do, is act affectionately to the child and the child easily falls into the trap.

 With the majority of society focusing of increasing their standards of living by increasing their materialistic possessions and physical / environmental comforts, stress levels have increased and moral values and value for relationships have come down drastically. This has also lead to the increase in pervasive cognitions among adults making children more vulnerable to harassment.

Every data related to sex and sexuality is hidden from children or used with some other sublime representation, due to the fear that the parents or teachers may be put in a delicate situation if any questions are asked about it. Few also fear the embarrassment they may encounter if any such questions are asked by the child in a social situation. Other fears that this can create interest in sexual activities in the child. While all other body parts are taught by their names both in schools and by the parents the genitals name are not addressed as “vagina” or “penis” the real name. These parts are left out without names in the books and addressed with casual verbatim as “si si” or “su su”. This approach of the adults is the first seed for creating a belief in the mind of the child that anything related to genitals is supposed to be kept as a secret and should not be discussed openly. It is this thought that prevents the child from communicating any issues or happenings related to their genitals including sexual abuse.

Open communication about the genitals just like any other parts of the body can make the child free enough to communicate any happenings associated with it to their parents. A child should feel comfortable to say that somebody touched my vagina or penis just like he or she can say that somebody has touched my nose. Just like we teach the child how to take care of their teeth by brushing twice regularly, the child can also be taught how to maintain their genital hygienically, keeping it covered and not allowing anybody else to touch them and also immediately report any such incidents whether it’s done with consent or not, to parents or teachers. If such openness is created sexual abuse can been identified at a very early stage and preventive measures can be taken.

With the Freudian “id” the animal pleasure seeking behavior increasing in individuals, the society is becoming a dangerous place to live in, more so for the children. The demand of the current situation is to equip children adequate knowledge, skills, confidence and feeling that there are parents and teachers who they can freely approach for support when they encounter any crisis. Preventing sexual abuse has a important role to play in safe guarding the physical and psychological health and sex education from a very early stage has a very important role in ensuring this